#94

by xi_le on 08/1/2013

Dear Janice,

Today, I decided to stop struggling, and said yes to God. I know without a nod, I will not have peace going back. Saying yes doesn’t mean I know what to do and not fear. Quite the opposite. P

I am writing this down for reference next time, like how I read thru the entries since going to TLV. The call is still the same since a year ago, love His people.

On the first day here @ Kamari, He said Joy, I love you. Taken aback by His profession out of nowhere, I said God, I have done nothing to warrant this love. So prideful, indeed. I read Acts 13, and the verse that stood out was

You are my Son. Today I have become your Father. v33

Though it was meant for Jesus, I thought God is trying to drive into something. Like what I said I did nothing to gain this, not like Jesus who died on the cross to save us.

Then He said:”look back and remember how much I’ve done and love you.” I surely hope that wasn’t my own voice. Hence, it was a day of reflection and then came next was “love My people”. God, you kidding right? I am already incapable of loving 1, and now the masses? Apologies, I love myself more than others. How should I put it? I love so that I can have something in return. I prey more than I love.

Unconditional love is beyond me. Commitment out of loving is frightening. This led to the topic of visa. I love the arrangement now because I belong to nowhere. I have the perfect excuse to get out of TLV or SG. Contradictory to the perfect situation, I lamented a few months ago of not being rooted.

So I continued with Acts 14. Paul and Barnabas stayed at each place a long time. Sigh, that was my confirmation. As much as I tried to reason within and out, He said love His people and therefore commit. You said too.

Truth be told, if I am not given maximum time this time in TLV, visa application has to start. If I am given the maximum, then I am stuck there for another 3 months. Given or not, it seems like He has His way.

“Checkmate” – God

cheers,
Joy

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