#96

by xi_le on 02/9/2014

Dear Janice,

I am utterly amazed at God stringing events, people and conversations for me to understand this.

“Please me.” He said

It all started with this question on Wednesday.

“Are you ready to be poured out as an offering?”

My immediate response;

“Yes, but I want to be a superhero.”

“Doormat.” So it said on utmost.org

“Doormat then but I want people to affirm how great a doormat I am.”

This is exactly my attitude during my stint in Israel. I serve in return for affirmation. I thought this is what it means to be last yet be first.

Salah

I continued to ponder over this at the back of my head.

He spoke through His words and His people.

1st slap on the head:
This is the first time I meditate on the parable of the vineyard workers (Matt 20:1-16). I confessed I was part of the 1st batch of workers. I agreed to what was promised yet I become unhappy in comparison to those who came later.
Since the release of Lotta, most credit was given to my boss and fellow colleague. They stood in the limelight, presentation after presentation. Then came all the planning, negotiations and road maps which I am practically in the unknown. Even though shared later after the conversation with Sharon on wed, damage was permanent.

I psyched myself to be an employee only in this God’s company, only to cause more grief to myself.

God chooses who and what He please to use and do since it’s His universe, people and things. Who am I to say, “not fair, God!”

2nd slap on the head:
Coming to God is not to please myself but so that He can be pleased. Ps George Ee hit a note in my heart. My willingness to be poured out as an offering was to satisfy my flesh so that my name may be glorified. Hosea’s willingness to be poured out as an offering was to please God (my belief). Not that God is a tyrant, I do expect Him wanting to be pleased with my every actions and thoughts.

And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him. (Hebrews 11:6 NLT)

3rd slap on the head:
I search my heart for the motive of buying a fridge for the office, as I reflect on Ps George Ee’s msg especially since he shared about His iPad. I did not know and choose not to answer Lena’s question today.

Do I have the savior’s mentality?

I don’t deny the possibility since I have the SHS (superhero syndrome). I reasoned with God that I did ask You to provide if You do not want me to buy. I told God I just want to do my part for His company, yet I am afraid of people’s judgement, same like the email to my boss.

“Does it matter if people have this perception I am trying to be a savior?” I ask myself now.

It still matters, as of now but I guess it doesn’t stop me from giving. Like what you mentioned, I need to know how to receive too.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life. (Psalms 139:23, 24 NLT)

Joy

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